Saudi Arabia 2017: To Be Haya

Hayya would never admit it, but being her is not easy.
At twenty-eight, she remains unmarried—an anomaly among her people, where her mother and grandmother were brides at thirteen. She is beautiful, intelligent, yet bound by traditions that leave little room for choice. Born in the heart of the desert—a land never conquered, never tamed—she is a believer, unwavering in faith, just like those before her. Doubt may whisper at the edges of her world, but it never lingers. Life, however, has not been kind. Her brother died recklessly, swallowed by speed and carelessness. She grew up in a military village—a place of fifteen hundred houses sinking into the scorching sand, ruled by discipline and the shadow of her father, a high-ranking officer. Despite her age, Hayya cannot leave the family farm on her own. Even a forty-kilometer trip to the nearest town requires her father’s approval. Only then, and only in the company of a male relative, is she permitted to go.

Yet Hayya is no fool. She is educated, curious. She speaks a foreign language, reads history, and asks questions—though rarely aloud.

She is one of eight siblings, but unlike many in her world, she has no half-brothers or stepmothers. Her father never took multiple wives, despite the custom. A quiet defiance, though no one dares to name it as such.

Hayya moves through life governed by forces beyond her control—by the rhythm of heat and menstruation, by religious duties and the quiet assurance that she belongs to an exclusive world. A life of wealth and order, built on an endless sea of oil and the absolute certainty of faith. She rarely admits mistakes. She sees no reason to. Those who disagree simply fail to grasp the truth—a truth she believes herself forever connected to, like a root to the soil. She owes no explanations.

But sometimes, Hayya is lonely.

In those moments, the weight of her existence becomes unbearable, and she craves conversation with a man—such a rare presence in her secluded world. And so, she speaks to strangers online. The secret, fleeting exchanges have become part of her daily life. What else is there to do in a house designed to keep out the heat, in the temple, or in the chilled quarters of her workplace?

She dreams, in silence, of a foreign husband. A boyfriend? The thought never crosses her mind. Romance before marriage is as alien to her people as democracy in China. Even if he were a believer, the traditions of the tribe would not allow it. And so, she dreams of things that must never come true.

Her avatar shows her kissing her own reflection in the mirror—she is the only love she can reach, the only woman she is allowed to become.

For all her age, Hayya remains innocent in ways she doesn’t yet understand. Once, the internet played a cruel trick on her, showing her what no one had ever spoken of. She watched, transfixed, as bodies moved against each other in ways she had only imagined, yet never like this. That night, she did not sleep.

She is trapped between two worlds—the life she might have if she dared and the life she must obey. Technology has brought its gadgets to her doorstep, but the change they promise is the very poison her people guard against. And so does she. She longs to taste the forbidden, yet she remains devoted to the traditions that pull her back, keeping others from straying too far.

The war within her spills into restless fits of anger, though she never fully understands where they come from.

She plays with fire, knowing full well that talking to strangers defies the laws of her faith. But secrecy is her shield. The hidden corners of her double life are hers alone to roam.

In this, Hayya opposes the very rules she claims to hold sacred.

It is difficult to be Hayya… but she would never agree

Photo IG @intuitive_venture_photo